I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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