Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
