You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
