alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
