i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
