He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize