I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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