i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize