Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
