wakey wakey hands off snakey
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
