I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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