I wish I could teleport
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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