Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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