oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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