omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
