found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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