I want to make a zoo with you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
