it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
