only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
