I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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