I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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