I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize