I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
