i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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