This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
