omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
