If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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