i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
