she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
