Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
