John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
