i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
