Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
