I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
