That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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