i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
