It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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