I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
