What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
