ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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