My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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