He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
