Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
