Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
