to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Randomize
