my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
