Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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