is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
