How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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