sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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