Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So many bounce houses so little time
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
