3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
