Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
