I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize