fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
