Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just had sex on a roof
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
