I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
