I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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