Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
