I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
