we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
