my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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