I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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